Unmasking parenthood

Parenthood often turns out differently to what we had imagined. It can be tough to adapt to unexpected changes, sleepless nights, a fussy baby, and navigating a new sense of self defined by how well we think we're coping. Up to 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men develop mental health problems such as depression or anxiety during pregnancy, or in the first year after childbirth.

It’s common to try to hide any signs that you are struggling from others, but this can increase feelings of shame and make you feel isolated. However, it's important to share how you’re feeling with other people.

Struggling with parenting is common but there’s a point where it can become more serious and it’s important to know the signs. If you or someone you know is struggling, there are often some signs and changes in behaviour that might indicate that they need support.

You or someone you know may be struggling if they:

• talk about feeling hopeless, trapped, or like a burden
• reduced interest in personal hygiene and appearance
• social withdrawal (partner, family, friends)
• missing healthcare appointments (ante and postnatal care, mental health)
• feel disconnected from their baby or partner
• experience sleep issues, appetite changes, or panic attacks
• use alcohol or drugs more than usual
• show sudden calmness after deep distress
• express thoughts of death or suicide, even jokingly
• give away possessions or say goodbye unexpectedly
• start behaving recklessly

Men may show different signs such as:

• irritability, anger, or aggression
• trouble concentrating or relaxing
• loss of interest in hobbies
• feeling unable to cope but hiding it well

Many parents find that having a health and wellbeing plan during and after pregnancy can be helpful in planning for some of the struggles and challenges they might encounter. You can download a template plan on Tommy’s charity website. Having regular contact with your GP and health visitor can be a great way to discuss any worries you might be facing before they become overwhelming.

Parenting doesn’t come with a guide and many new parents feel lost, low, or unsure. These feelings might feel scary but you don’t have to face it alone. Allowing other people to support you increases safety for you and your baby.

If things feel difficult, you can always reach out to:

• Bucks Talking Therapies for digital support, support groups, courses and one to one sessions to help you process your feelings
• your midwife, health visitor or GP
• in a crisis, A&E is there for you. You can also contact 111 and choose ‘option 2’
• Bucks Mind perinatal support service
• your local Safe Haven: Aylesbury 01296 453017 and High Wycombe 01494 218098. Safe Haven is open 7 nights a week and offers a calm space and support.
• call Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258
• Buckinghamshire Family Information Service can also offer support and advice to help with your wellbeing.
• there's also specialist support available if you have had a premature baby (Bliss) or Tommy’s Charity for support with baby loss.
• contact Buckinghamshire Perinatal Mental Health Team at The Whiteleaf Centre, Bierton Road, Aylesbury, HP20 1EG
  Open 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday
  Tel: 01865 901749
  Out of hours: 01865 902000 (for those under care of the Perinatal team)
  Referrals email: [email protected]

If you're worried that someone you know or love might be struggling with their mental health or experiencing suicidal thoughts, it's important to remain calm and compassionate.

There are ways you can reach out and offer support:

• let them know you're there for them and that you're ready to listen however and whenever they feel able to talk
• you don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes just listening and acknowledging their feelings can make a huge difference.
• encourage them to reach out to professional support services like their GP, Bucks Talking Therapies or Samaritans. These services can also provide you with guidance if you need advice
• consider offering to help with day to duties like picking up a weekly shop, helping with daily errands or accompanying them to a local family or parenting group to offer support.